Gusto ko nang tapusin ito...

He'salready taken. after some months. He's taken already. And he took my heart away. Wala na akong makitang iba. Hanggang crushie lang ang kaya kong gawin. Haaay!

Somehow okey na ako. But there's still hope...damn! sana hindi ko na lang nararamdaman 'to...

Salamat

masya ako.
Seryoso.
Walang halong ka-plastikan.
Masaya ako.
Para sa sarili ko
at para sa kanya.
At sana masaya rin siya.

Tinanggap ko na lahat.
Maging bumalik siya
O umalis, pinaghandaan ko na.
Mamaalam na siya,
Gayundin ako.
Isang mala-panaginip na
pangyayari, isang karanasang
sana nga'y totoo na lang.

Salamat sa mga alaala
Salamat sa mga ngiti na minsan
ko lang masilayan,
Salamat sa mga kwentong
alam kong di ako kabahagi,
Salamat sa mga gabing kasama ka
sa tambay, inuman at kalokohan.
Salamat sa pagsabing isa akong immature.
Salamat sa pagsabing kailangan kong
mag-improve,
salamat sa pagsabing hindi mo ako mahal
at kailan man ay hindi ako ang yong mamahalin.
Salamat sa lahat.
Salamat sa pagtubos...
Kalayaan at kaligayahan mo ang hangad ko...

ang nagagawa ng puyat...

pangatlong araw na akong walang tulog sa gabi. Sa totoo lang, wala nang lumalabas sa utak ko. wala na ngang tulog, wala pang inspirasyon. Ito ang tinatawag nilang el nino. Tigang kung tigang...pero sa kabilang banda, narinig ko naman na ang boses nya ngaun. Mas nakakatakot siyang lapitan ngayon kesa sa dati. Ewan ko ah! pero iba ang atmosphere sa "cage" ngayon. I feel unwanted. haay naku! ang hirap nyang mahalin. pero kaya ko naman di ba? mas okey na ako ngayon...natatanggap ko na ang mga matalas na sulyap nila. ayos na rin un...at least alam ko kung totoo ba ang nararamdaman ko sa knya. ang swerte nya noh? meron siyang flter sa mga babae.Alam mo kung bakit? kasi ang hirap nyang maging joa...bakit?

Una: sa taas ng tingin sa kanya, kapag naging ka-relasyon ka nya ay isang malaking isyu.
Pangalawa: ang mga kaibigan nya ay metikulasa (ung mga nakikita ko pa lang)
Pangatlo: mejo mahirap siyang sabayan...

kung ikaw ang babae at natagalan mo yan at napagtagumpayan...asteeg ka! mahal mo nga yang lalaking yan. pero kung hindi mo kaya..go. at siyempre hindi mo titiisin yan kung hindi mo talaga siya mahal. kaya ang swerte nya. Ako kaya swerte rin?

Sana may mag-comment kung swerte rin ako....hehehehe

leukamegaloblasticfocusa

hanggang titig ka lang
wala ka namang kwenta
akala mo siya ang laman
ng aking mga tula...
hindi lamang sa kanya
umiikot ang aking mundo
kahit gusto ko nang ganun na nga
pero may buhay rin ako.
Wag mong isiping,
siya lang ang laman ng panulat ko.
hindi siya atom o molecule.
Iniibig ko lamang siya.
Pero hindi ibig sabihing
siya lamang ang buhay ko ngayon.
wag mong isiping tungkol
sa kanya ito...

the missed

ilang gabi pa
ako maghihintay?
kahit sa gabi lang
si pa kita masilayan...
parang hindi
kumpleto ang araw
kapag di ka
nakita giliw...
Mapait ang gabi
kapag sa dulo'y
malaman kong
wala ka pa rin...
saan ba kita pwedeng hanapin?
saan kita pwedeng sundan?
kung maaari lang
kitang itago...
pero wala.
hanggang dito lang ito.
masaya na ako
ng ganito...
kahit puyat,
pag tulog ko naman
sa umaga, ikaw ang
nasa panaginip...
sana nga...
sana nga...

maya's park

Ayoko nang balikan ang blog na ito...
Magpapalit na ako ng blog...
Maxado nang maraming ala ala ito...
magmamaganda na akong gumawa muli...
hanggang dito na lang muna,
maraming salamat...


*hanapin mo ako sa live journal at tabulas...pakalay-kalat lang ako dun...hehehhe

Nocturnal

Hindi ako adik
Nocturnal lang ako.
Hindi rin ako sabog
Makulit lang ako.
Ayoko nito
ano ba sa akala mo?
Dinadaan ko lang sa tula
pero bad trip na ako.
Naiinis na ako
pag hindi nyo ako
maintindihan...

Hindi ako adik
Nocturnal lang ako.
Gumagana ang brain cells
ko sa kalagitnaan ng dilim.
Gising ang diwa ko
pag wala nang araw.
Hoy! di ako aswang...
Nocturnal lang ako.

Hindi ako adik
Nocturnal lang ako.

Sulong

Wag mo akong tingnan
Na parang may awa sa mata
Hindi ako ang kawawa dito
Ikaw ang kinaaawaan.
Ayoko talagang sabihin yon,
sa totoo lang gusto kitang lapitan.
Gusto kitang damayan
pero takot akong lumabas
na kawawa, mahina
dahil sa ating dalawa
ako ang malakas,
ako ang matapang.
Walang dapat magbago...
pero anong ginawa mo?
nagtext ka't nagpaalam...
sino ba ang mas matanda sa atin dito?
bakit ako kaya ko?
bakit ikaw ganyan?
Kung iisipin mas madami ang problema ko
pero kinakaya ko,
dahil para sa'yo gusto kong
maging mtapang, malakas.
Pero bakit hindi mo ko maintindihan?
Bakit kailangan pang ako'y iyong iwan?
Sinisisi kita kung ano ako ngayon...
Pinupuri kita kung ano ako para bukas...
dahil kahit iwan mo ako ngayon,
papatunayan ko sa kanila,
hindi tayo ang kawawa...

The big mistake...(commercial)

I must admit. I had a mistake of uttering those words that Wednesday night. My stupid mouth has got me in trouble...as John Mayers puts it. We can be friends. We are better off as friends. I tried to prove my self that I can do it. That I won't be hurt after saying those. But to tell you honestly, I cursed myself for saying those words.

Why did I say those words anyway? Why did I decide to end my wonderful dream?
1. I can merely feel his appreciation. He does his thank you and all that but it seemed to me that he's not happy. I am very happy that I am caring much of him. Ilove what I am doing for him. The attention, the care or whatever he may call those doings. The only problem is I don't feel he appreciates...
2. I don't think he's happy when he's with me. I think he doesn't need me. I think he's better off without me. But that's what I think not what I feel. So may be I need to let him go.
3. Whew! until now, I don't know why I said those..heheheh
4. Deadpans...
5. Bawi?heheheh

Resolution...
I cannot do anything about it anymore... all i can do is to accept..accept and accept..and if he comes back..we'll make both ends meet. He said I am his messiah. And as what I've realized, a messiah must endure the pain, accept the sacrifices after all she is saving someone's life. Wait ...did I really save his life?

Virgin suicide two

My being in a bartolina like state didn't stopped me from what I wanted to do. I took the time to do things that I wanted to do. I ponder on things. I watched television. I write my own songs and record them on my tape recorder. Marian is stubborn. I'll do what I want.

February 18. I left her house. I ran away from home. I contacted my friends. I stayed on their houses. Each night was a different bed, different family.

Chapter one..again

College came. I am in control of my life now. Mama left me to my Aunt Bessy. She had her visa to work as a domestic helper in Hongkong. My brothers nefore mama left; the oeldest left home to look for his biological father-the gambler and the other died from an STD. The latter was my mother's favorite. The sweetest kid she ever had. Charming, smart, muy gwapo de hijo. Everybody's favorite in my mother's family. And I was still the unwanted. The link. And my brother dying from STD had been a disappointment was kept secret. Of course they didn't admitted it was an STD, they regerded that doctor's diagnosis as the unsinful disease. Not an STD but a rare kind of disease. But don't get me wrong. I love my brother. I prayed for him in my novenas. His soul to reach heaven. And my personality to please the eyes of my mother's family. Whew! how I hunger for their appreciation. Their acceptance of my being. So much of my brother. I rest his case here.

Mama left to look for a greener pasture. I'll be entering college so she needed a lot of money to spend for my college. I alone spent my days with my mother's sister, Aunt Bessy. There was no problem with her really, if only I obeyed her rules which were out of my vision. I never wanted her rules. They complicate my wants and likes in my life. Those rules inhibits my being me. Blwme it to my complex being. My being extremes ion everything by which Tita Bessy won't ever understand. I love rock music, she hates it. I love going to gigs and other social gatherings that concerns arts of any kind, she hates my late night home comings. I love being active on events for a cause, and she hates activists who rally in front of her government office. One time, she saw me in one of our protesta, holding a placard and yelling at the top of my lungs for the secretary of agriculture to be ousted. I was at the back of our leaders when she saw me on television. Her niece one of the people who led the rally to oust Ms. Besilla Madlang-awa, Auntie Bessy, my aunt. The big joke as her subordinates found out that I was there. And So, I was grounded for two weeks. Mama wasn't calling for months. No phone calls from friends were allowed. No electronic messages. No means of communication from the outside world. Thank God it's summer!

VIRGIN SUICIDE, chapter one

It was that sixth day of the month of holiness when I fell from a trap. And where I fell was somewhere I can't escape. It never ended on that day only. It keeps coming back on my mind. My senses had been tortured by that great nightmare. It was what I always wanted to forget. That day I had ruined my life and the dignified appearance I always thought I had.

A couple of years ago, I was one of those rare wild flowers in the forest. I can't be easily touched nor smelled. I can make you tremble so you won't go looking for me. I bear this venom like that of a poison Ivy. I enjoyed being the intimidating nightingale. Really I had the luxury of making them woo over me, drool over my mysterious image and the idea of an untouchable woman who teases them like a whore. But I am no whore neither a harlot. My sense of fashion teases them of what I am playing my character with. They thought I am but again, I am no whore...

My friends had always though of me as that strong woman. The friend whom they can depend with. The kind of friend you want to spend your night just to chat with anything under the sun, counsel you in each and every angle you want it to be. I see the both sides of the story. I understand what you feel and that what makes them look for me if they have problems. Marian is the one to turned to. And so, I was there for them. My batchmates had always regard me as the best person of the batch. The omniscient being they can rely on. The ever talented leader they can follow anytime. They can see our year as the golden age of our alma mater. The greatest achievements and stories ever told. We had it. My teachers, I was their pet. Their ever obedient student who follows the rules. I don't break rules. My religion can even attest to that. I am no sac religious. I pray novenas of all kinds, does confessions every week, participates to church activities. I almost enter the convent. After graduation I was expected to be in a state university for my degree. I passed all college entrance tests. I almost had all the awards on our commencement exercise. As I walk down the red carpet with the colors on the aisle, all were at the stiff of their envy. They said, I am perfect.

Correction. I am almost perfect. All are too good to be perfect except for my not so happy family life. I came from a family.Broken that is. My father loved my mother though. Papa. My father the ex-numero uno councelor of our province. The former rich businessman who owns the best ships in our town. The biggest copra transactions. Savored on the prettiest women of our land. The man of the hour to those who owe him hundreds and thousands of pesos. The powerful one. He had a wife and five children. His wife died of cancer leaving his children to their lola and lolo. And he slowly loses his business, his power his life. My mother on the other hand, was a high school teacher. One of the brightest women in the academy. She graduated from a state university, acquired honors but decided to serve our remote town. Like me, she never had a perfect family. Her father, my grandfather, would always hurt her. She was the unwanted child. He never wanted her really because of her he lost his beloved wife, my grandmother. To escape from her father, my mother married their neighbor's son who was kind to her. She thought she was saved. But hell no. She married a gambler who'll hit her after a lost game. She bore two sons with him. They escaped from her husband and never returned. She went back to our town. And there she met my father. They both fell in love with each other. For years their love's against all odds. They fought for their relationship. My father, a womanizer, never spared my mother from giving her pain. MY mother's family never wanted their relationship. And even me. They never wanted attachments with my father. I am the link, so they never wanted me too.

Our "family" was not that typical patriarchal filipino family. My mother used to work as a teacher at the same time sews dresses for the family's income. My father on the other hand, cooks and keeps the house. My two brothers, from my mother, live with us. My brothers and sisters from my father only visit us. I never new my five siblings. Only my two brothers who live with us. I consider them my "real" brothers. When I was a kid, I always thought our family is different from the others,-the set up, the everyday scenario of quarelling parents and the push from my mother's relatives. It was nothing new to me but if I compare it to my bestfriend's family, Teresa's, It's far worse. The scenario continues and gets worse year after year. At the age of twelve, in time for my elementary graduation, they decided to separate from each other. I was left with my mother. We struggled. Every night I see her crying, hiding in her dark room. And that scene had been replaying on my mind. Asking questions: what went wrong? What had happened? What must have been done? I hated that scene. I hate to see her crying , hurting because of my father, whom my mother's siblings said was irresponsible. I am starting to believe them but my memories with my father had been good. I love my father as much as I love my mother. But seeing her like that gave me the hint not to go with guys like my father. Though he's been good to his daughter. My mother. I promise not to be like her. Never to be fooled by any man. Never. And so I am who I am now.

Mary Jane

Doom caught me
As I watch you
Savor your
Mistress, Mary Jane.
I felt no jealousy
nor a bit of envy,
just hurt.
Or whatever word
that can describe what
I am feeling right now.

I hate to see you
that way...
I am hurting
everytime you
use her to escape
your private hell.

I don't want to see
you this way.
You are much
better than this.
I tried to deny
what I am seeing
because I am hurting.
Knowing I am of
no use to heal
your polluted soul,
not even a remedy
to your tormented heart.

I can't see of any use
of myself to your
seemingly lonely life.
But to you, Mary Jane has.
She does good to you.
Your inanimate shield
from your frustrations.
For a minute or two,
she's your relief.
And I am no medicine.
I tried to help you
but you won't let me.
If only you can kiss
your Mary Jane goodbye.
But if she is far more better,
then take her instead.