the poem nears its end...

I was celebrating something perfect for the passed few days. I settled my case into a final proposition that what I am experiencing that time is really a dream. Yes, it was a dream. And now, I am waking up on the reality that all of those that happened for a week is nothing but a poor result of alcoholism. Case closed. It happened because we were drunk. W e were both drunk. And what had happened is a clear case of I-was-drunk-I-didn't-know-what-happened thing. All of those submission and possession thing were nothing but fake pictures. They were just illusions. I remember that night, I was expecting someone will wake me up from that beautiful dream... now I am awake and lamenting. It could have been perfect...

I don't know why this fairy tale has to end. Since this love has started only in my own, It was a one way street affair. My mind has lapsed. It can no longer bear understanding such mystery which this dreamguy has embarked in our relationship. Too bad. He was all I wanted my man should be. He was everything I wished God would give me and I'll be alright. He was everything I longed to have someday. He was everything I thought would save me from demise... He was. He is. But why can't we meet in the middle? I asked myself this morning, am I really that bad to meet this kind of guys? You might be wondering what happened to my fairy tale...well, this is how it went....

As far as my dumb mind can remember, we agreed to be with each other one cold morning of January, on its 27th day on one of the shabby streets of Manila. It was an hour late after Cinderella's curfew where in afterwards she'll lose all the magic prepared to her by her fairygod mother. I was with him, the guy I really admire. I was sitting beside the man of my dreams. I was sharing the moment with him. We talked about the electronic conversation exchange. We talked about what we felt, what we are feeling and what would possibly happen. And as the story goes, some sort of magic continued until two hearts met. (in my perception this is what probably happened)...

At first, it was fine. This dream guy stood by what he had promised, to be this poor little girl's personal property. He had time for her, which made the poor girl happy despite the struggles she's going through. This made the poor girl happy and inspired to once again face the world with courage. She then thought and told her self...life is truly beautiful. Magic was in the air. She can really feel it coming. Until suddenly that magic faded. For whatever reason the warmth shared became cold. She tried to please the prince but he was too bitter to feel the sweetness of life. It seemed he was never pleased. She was never seen nor felt. She felt he was numb to feel her presence after that cold night. Suddenly she lives without purpose and became tired of living that life. He's taken her for granted.

I am feeling so exhausted. I should've thought of these things a couple of times. A hundred or thousand or million maybe. I don't want this to end. I don't want this dream to end. A friend of mine once told me, hope is what keeps the pain. I am still hoping and trying to understand him. He has so many things to do. He has many responsibilities which is known to me before that cold morning. I should've anticipated these things. I need someone to confide things with. That's why I thought he would be the one. It had been better when we were friends, I can tell some things I had in mind. Even for a moment He's mine, he's a friend who listens to my melancholic chants...Now, he's mine as more than that friend, I am afraid I'll be adding my sorrows to his burden...

May be this is not yet my time to love. I want to hold on but it seems he 's not. I want to risk being hurt for me to love him but I am afraid I'll be hurt double or triple. I am so scared, I am hurting more and more. I need to stop seeing him...