Maya's park

2005-10-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Gusto ko nang tapusin ito...

He'salready taken. after some months. He's taken already. And he took my heart away. Wala na akong makitang iba. Hanggang crushie lang ang kaya kong gawin. Haaay!

Somehow okey na ako. But there's still hope...damn! sana hindi ko na lang nararamdaman 'to...

Salamat

2005-03-11T21:43:00.000-08:00

masya ako.
Seryoso.
Walang halong ka-plastikan.
Masaya ako.
Para sa sarili ko
at para sa kanya.
At sana masaya rin siya.

Tinanggap ko na lahat.
Maging bumalik siya
O umalis, pinaghandaan ko na.
Mamaalam na siya,
Gayundin ako.
Isang mala-panaginip na
pangyayari, isang karanasang
sana nga'y totoo na lang.

Salamat sa mga alaala
Salamat sa mga ngiti na minsan
ko lang masilayan,
Salamat sa mga kwentong
alam kong di ako kabahagi,
Salamat sa mga gabing kasama ka
sa tambay, inuman at kalokohan.
Salamat sa pagsabing isa akong immature.
Salamat sa pagsabing kailangan kong
mag-improve,
salamat sa pagsabing hindi mo ako mahal
at kailan man ay hindi ako ang yong mamahalin.
Salamat sa lahat.
Salamat sa pagtubos...
Kalayaan at kaligayahan mo ang hangad ko...

ang nagagawa ng puyat...

2005-02-23T11:23:00.000-08:00

pangatlong araw na akong walang tulog sa gabi. Sa totoo lang, wala nang lumalabas sa utak ko. wala na ngang tulog, wala pang inspirasyon. Ito ang tinatawag nilang el nino. Tigang kung tigang...pero sa kabilang banda, narinig ko naman na ang boses nya ngaun. Mas nakakatakot siyang lapitan ngayon kesa sa dati. Ewan ko ah! pero iba ang atmosphere sa "cage" ngayon. I feel unwanted. haay naku! ang hirap nyang mahalin. pero kaya ko naman di ba? mas okey na ako ngayon...natatanggap ko na ang mga matalas na sulyap nila. ayos na rin un...at least alam ko kung totoo ba ang nararamdaman ko sa knya. ang swerte nya noh? meron siyang flter sa mga babae.Alam mo kung bakit? kasi ang hirap nyang maging joa...bakit?

Una: sa taas ng tingin sa kanya, kapag naging ka-relasyon ka nya ay isang malaking isyu.
Pangalawa: ang mga kaibigan nya ay metikulasa (ung mga nakikita ko pa lang)
Pangatlo: mejo mahirap siyang sabayan...

kung ikaw ang babae at natagalan mo yan at napagtagumpayan...asteeg ka! mahal mo nga yang lalaking yan. pero kung hindi mo kaya..go. at siyempre hindi mo titiisin yan kung hindi mo talaga siya mahal. kaya ang swerte nya. Ako kaya swerte rin?

Sana may mag-comment kung swerte rin ako....hehehehe

leukamegaloblasticfocusa

2005-02-23T11:19:00.000-08:00

hanggang titig ka lang
wala ka namang kwenta
akala mo siya ang laman
ng aking mga tula...
hindi lamang sa kanya
umiikot ang aking mundo
kahit gusto ko nang ganun na nga
pero may buhay rin ako.
Wag mong isiping,
siya lang ang laman ng panulat ko.
hindi siya atom o molecule.
Iniibig ko lamang siya.
Pero hindi ibig sabihing
siya lamang ang buhay ko ngayon.
wag mong isiping tungkol
sa kanya ito...

the missed

2005-02-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

ilang gabi pa
ako maghihintay?
kahit sa gabi lang
si pa kita masilayan...
parang hindi
kumpleto ang araw
kapag di ka
nakita giliw...
Mapait ang gabi
kapag sa dulo'y
malaman kong
wala ka pa rin...
saan ba kita pwedeng hanapin?
saan kita pwedeng sundan?
kung maaari lang
kitang itago...
pero wala.
hanggang dito lang ito.
masaya na ako
ng ganito...
kahit puyat,
pag tulog ko naman
sa umaga, ikaw ang
nasa panaginip...
sana nga...
sana nga...

maya's park

2005-02-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

Ayoko nang balikan ang blog na ito...
Magpapalit na ako ng blog...
Maxado nang maraming ala ala ito...
magmamaganda na akong gumawa muli...
hanggang dito na lang muna,
maraming salamat...

*hanapin mo ako sa live journal at tabulas...pakalay-kalat lang ako dun...hehehhe

Nocturnal

2005-02-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

Hindi ako adik
Nocturnal lang ako.
Hindi rin ako sabog
Makulit lang ako.
Ayoko nito
ano ba sa akala mo?
Dinadaan ko lang sa tula
pero bad trip na ako.
Naiinis na ako
pag hindi nyo ako
maintindihan...

Hindi ako adik
Nocturnal lang ako.
Gumagana ang brain cells
ko sa kalagitnaan ng dilim.
Gising ang diwa ko
pag wala nang araw.
Hoy! di ako aswang...
Nocturnal lang ako.

Hindi ako adik
Nocturnal lang ako.

Sulong

2005-02-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

Wag mo akong tingnan
Na parang may awa sa mata
Hindi ako ang kawawa dito
Ikaw ang kinaaawaan.
Ayoko talagang sabihin yon,
sa totoo lang gusto kitang lapitan.
Gusto kitang damayan
pero takot akong lumabas
na kawawa, mahina
dahil sa ating dalawa
ako ang malakas,
ako ang matapang.
Walang dapat magbago...
pero anong ginawa mo?
nagtext ka't nagpaalam...
sino ba ang mas matanda sa atin dito?
bakit ako kaya ko?
bakit ikaw ganyan?
Kung iisipin mas madami ang problema ko
pero kinakaya ko,
dahil para sa'yo gusto kong
maging mtapang, malakas.
Pero bakit hindi mo ko maintindihan?
Bakit kailangan pang ako'y iyong iwan?
Sinisisi kita kung ano ako ngayon...
Pinupuri kita kung ano ako para bukas...
dahil kahit iwan mo ako ngayon,
papatunayan ko sa kanila,
hindi tayo ang kawawa...

The big mistake...(commercial)

2005-02-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

I must admit. I had a mistake of uttering those words that Wednesday night. My stupid mouth has got me in trouble...as John Mayers puts it. We can be friends. We are better off as friends. I tried to prove my self that I can do it. That I won't be hurt after saying those. But to tell you honestly, I cursed myself for saying those words.

Why did I say those words anyway? Why did I decide to end my wonderful dream?
1. I can merely feel his appreciation. He does his thank you and all that but it seemed to me that he's not happy. I am very happy that I am caring much of him. Ilove what I am doing for him. The attention, the care or whatever he may call those doings. The only problem is I don't feel he appreciates...
2. I don't think he's happy when he's with me. I think he doesn't need me. I think he's better off without me. But that's what I think not what I feel. So may be I need to let him go.
3. Whew! until now, I don't know why I said those..heheheh
4. Deadpans...
5. Bawi?heheheh

Resolution...
I cannot do anything about it anymore... all i can do is to accept..accept and accept..and if he comes back..we'll make both ends meet. He said I am his messiah. And as what I've realized, a messiah must endure the pain, accept the sacrifices after all she is saving someone's life. Wait ...did I really save his life?

Virgin suicide two

2005-02-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

My being in a bartolina like state didn't stopped me from what I wanted to do. I took the time to do things that I wanted to do. I ponder on things. I watched television. I write my own songs and record them on my tape recorder. Marian is stubborn. I'll do what I want.

February 18. I left her house. I ran away from home. I contacted my friends. I stayed on their houses. Each night was a different bed, different family.

Chapter one..again

2005-02-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

College came. I am in control of my life now. Mama left me to my Aunt Bessy. She had her visa to work as a domestic helper in Hongkong. My brothers nefore mama left; the oeldest left home to look for his biological father-the gambler and the other died from an STD. The latter was my mother's favorite. The sweetest kid she ever had. Charming, smart, muy gwapo de hijo. Everybody's favorite in my mother's family. And I was still the unwanted. The link. And my brother dying from STD had been a disappointment was kept secret. Of course they didn't admitted it was an STD, they regerded that doctor's diagnosis as the unsinful disease. Not an STD but a rare kind of disease. But don't get me wrong. I love my brother. I prayed for him in my novenas. His soul to reach heaven. And my personality to please the eyes of my mother's family. Whew! how I hunger for their appreciation. Their acceptance of my being. So much of my brother. I rest his case here.

Mama left to look for a greener pasture. I'll be entering college so she needed a lot of money to spend for my college. I alone spent my days with my mother's sister, Aunt Bessy. There was no problem with her really, if only I obeyed her rules which were out of my vision. I never wanted her rules. They complicate my wants and likes in my life. Those rules inhibits my being me. Blwme it to my complex being. My being extremes ion everything by which Tita Bessy won't ever understand. I love rock music, she hates it. I love going to gigs and other social gatherings that concerns arts of any kind, she hates my late night home comings. I love being active on events for a cause, and she hates activists who rally in front of her government office. One time, she saw me in one of our protesta, holding a placard and yelling at the top of my lungs for the secretary of agriculture to be ousted. I was at the back of our leaders when she saw me on television. Her niece one of the people who led the rally to oust Ms. Besilla Madlang-awa, Auntie Bessy, my aunt. The big joke as her subordinates found out that I was there. And So, I was grounded for two weeks. Mama wasn't calling for months. No phone calls from friends were allowed. No electronic messages. No means of communication from the outside world. Thank God it's summer!

VIRGIN SUICIDE, chapter one

2005-02-11T23:34:00.000-08:00

It was that sixth day of the month of holiness when I fell from a trap. And where I fell was somewhere I can't escape. It never ended on that day only. It keeps coming back on my mind. My senses had been tortured by that great nightmare. It was what I always wanted to forget. That day I had ruined my life and the dignified appearance I always thought I had.

A couple of years ago, I was one of those rare wild flowers in the forest. I can't be easily touched nor smelled. I can make you tremble so you won't go looking for me. I bear this venom like that of a poison Ivy. I enjoyed being the intimidating nightingale. Really I had the luxury of making them woo over me, drool over my mysterious image and the idea of an untouchable woman who teases them like a whore. But I am no whore neither a harlot. My sense of fashion teases them of what I am playing my character with. They thought I am but again, I am no whore...

My friends had always though of me as that strong woman. The friend whom they can depend with. The kind of friend you want to spend your night just to chat with anything under the sun, counsel you in each and every angle you want it to be. I see the both sides of the story. I understand what you feel and that what makes them look for me if they have problems. Marian is the one to turned to. And so, I was there for them. My batchmates had always regard me as the best person of the batch. The omniscient being they can rely on. The ever talented leader they can follow anytime. They can see our year as the golden age of our alma mater. The greatest achievements and stories ever told. We had it. My teachers, I was their pet. Their ever obedient student who follows the rules. I don't break rules. My religion can even attest to that. I am no sac religious. I pray novenas of all kinds, does confessions every week, participates to church activities. I almost enter the convent. After graduation I was expected to be in a state university for my degree. I passed all college entrance tests. I almost had all the awards on our commencement exercise. As I walk down the red carpet with the colors on the aisle, all were at the stiff of their envy. They said, I am perfect.

Correction. I am almost perfect. All are too good to be perfect except for my not so happy family life. I came from a family.Broken that is. My father loved my mother though. Papa. My father the ex-numero uno councelor of our province. The former rich businessman who owns the best ships in our town. The biggest copra transactions. Savored on the prettiest women of our land. The man of the hour to those who owe him hundreds and thousands of pesos. The powerful one. He had a wife and five children. His wife died of cancer leaving his children to their lola and lolo. And he slowly loses his business, his power his life. My mother on the other hand, was a high school teacher. One of the brightest women in the academy. She graduated from a state university, acquired honors but decided to serve our remote town. Like me, she never had a perfect family. Her father, my grandfather, would always hurt her. She was the unwanted child. He never wanted her really because of her he lost his beloved wife, my grandmother. To escape from her father, my mother married their neighbor's son who was kind to her. She thought she was saved. But hell no. She married a gambler who'll hit her after a lost game. She bore two sons with him. They escaped from her husband and never returned. She went back to our town. And there she met my father. They both fell in love with each other. For years their love's against all odds. They fought for their relationship. My father, a womanizer, never spared my mother from giving her pain. MY mother's family never wanted their relationship. And even me. They never wanted attachments with my father. I am the link, so they never wanted me too.

Our "family" was not that typical patriarchal filipino family. My mother used to work as a teacher at the same time sews dresses for the family's income. My father on the other hand, cooks and keeps the house. My two brothers, from my mother, live with us. My brothers and sisters from my father only visit us. I never new my five siblings. Only my two brothers who live with us. I consider them my "real" brothers. When I was a kid, I always thought our family is different from the others,-the set up, the everyday scenario of quarelling parents and the push from my mother's relatives. It was nothing new to me but if I compare it to my bestfriend's family, Teresa's, It's far worse. The scenario continues and gets worse year after year. At the age of twelve, in time for my elementary graduation, they decided to separate from each other. I was left with my mother. We struggled. Every night I see her crying, hiding in her dark room. And that scene had been replaying on my mind. Asking questions: what went wrong? What had happened? What must have been done? I hated that scene. I hate to see her crying , hurting because of my father, whom my mother's siblings said was irresponsible. I am starting to believe them but my memories with my father had been good. I love my father as much as I love my mother. But seeing her like that gave me the hint not to go with guys like my father. Though he's been good to his daughter. My mother. I promise not to be like her. Never to be fooled by any man. Never. And so I am who I am now.

Mary Jane

2005-02-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

Doom caught me
As I watch you
Savor your
Mistress, Mary Jane.
I felt no jealousy
nor a bit of envy,
just hurt.
Or whatever word
that can describe what
I am feeling right now.

I hate to see you
that way...
I am hurting
everytime you
use her to escape
your private hell.

I don't want to see
you this way.
You are much
better than this.
I tried to deny
what I am seeing
because I am hurting.
Knowing I am of
no use to heal
your polluted soul,
not even a remedy
to your tormented heart.

I can't see of any use
of myself to your
seemingly lonely life.
But to you, Mary Jane has.
She does good to you.
Your inanimate shield
from your frustrations.
For a minute or two,
she's your relief.
And I am no medicine.
I tried to help you
but you won't let me.
If only you can kiss
your Mary Jane goodbye.
But if she is far more better,
then take her instead.

Hard Core

2005-02-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

Putangina! yan lang ang salitang gusto kong sabihin sa mga oras na ito. Para lang ma-ibsan ang kapunyetahang nararamdaman ko na sa hindi ko malaman na kadahilanan ay ramdam na ramdam ko sa mga oras na ito. Putangina!

Bakit ba kasi kailangan pang suklian ang pagmamahal ng pagmamahal din. Bakit ba kailangang ganitong uri ng mga lalaki ang matagpuan ko. At punyeta hindi na ako nadala. Pare-pareho naman sila... habang nakikita nila ako, habang napagmamasdan nila ako..gusto nila ako. Pero pag sa kanila na ako at maaari nang isama sa mga kasangkapan, binabalewala na parang isang manikang sunod lamang sa uso at kapag hindi na uso ay itinatabi na at ibinabaon sa limot. Sabihin nyo nang kulang ako sa pansin.. eh pucha! hindi ko naman hiniling na pansinin nila ako. Kasalanan ko ba kung nasanay na ako sa atensyong ibinigay nila sa akin noon? Kagaya nyan... ano bang problema nya at ni hi o hello wala akong natatanggap? Walang load?

TAGO

2005-02-04T07:44:00.000-08:00

Akala ko tama
Akala ko sapat
na ang tayo
kahit tayo
nga lang
ang may
alam.

Akala ko masaya
Akala ko ligtas
kung patago
ang pagtitinginan
natin.
Inakala kong
mas madali
ang mahalin ka
nang tayong
dalawa lang ang may
alam.

Pero bakit ganito?
nasasaktan ako?
hindi ko malaman
ang tama,
ang bago mong
nararamdaman
o kung may
nagbabago
man sa napag-usapan...
bakit parang
hindi mo
na ako kailangan?
bakit parang
wala ka nang
pakialam?
Wala na tuloy
akong maramdaman...
untiunti na akong
nagagalit sa'yo...
naiinis na ako sa'yo
Mas matindi ka pa
sa paralitikong
patay na ang pakiramdam...
di ako nagpapa-kyut,
gusto ko lang ng sulyap mo
kahit isang segundo lang...
gusto ko lang ng "hi" mo
kahit sa kindat lang...
gusto ko lang ng ngiti mo
kahit sa mata lang...
Alam ko namang
kailanman
hanggang tago lang
ako pwede...

ZERO

2005-02-04T07:39:00.000-08:00

I am in the midst
of this solitude
my heart has
put me.
As I look back
to where
we were
I can't hardly
recognize
myself.
I thought
I won
big time.
But I was hurt
double.
I had risked
this liitle
ounce
I kept
from that
former love
that has destroyed
me and put
me into
demise.
I am beginning
to think
I risked them
and I am
afraid
I am
losing...
I am
hurting...
And from
this day on...
I am
dying...

the poem nears its end...

2005-02-04T07:02:00.000-08:00

I was celebrating something perfect for the passed few days. I settled my case into a final proposition that what I am experiencing that time is really a dream. Yes, it was a dream. And now, I am waking up on the reality that all of those that happened for a week is nothing but a poor result of alcoholism. Case closed. It happened because we were drunk. W e were both drunk. And what had happened is a clear case of I-was-drunk-I-didn't-know-what-happened thing. All of those submission and possession thing were nothing but fake pictures. They were just illusions. I remember that night, I was expecting someone will wake me up from that beautiful dream... now I am awake and lamenting. It could have been perfect...

I don't know why this fairy tale has to end. Since this love has started only in my own, It was a one way street affair. My mind has lapsed. It can no longer bear understanding such mystery which this dreamguy has embarked in our relationship. Too bad. He was all I wanted my man should be. He was everything I wished God would give me and I'll be alright. He was everything I longed to have someday. He was everything I thought would save me from demise... He was. He is. But why can't we meet in the middle? I asked myself this morning, am I really that bad to meet this kind of guys? You might be wondering what happened to my fairy tale...well, this is how it went....

As far as my dumb mind can remember, we agreed to be with each other one cold morning of January, on its 27th day on one of the shabby streets of Manila. It was an hour late after Cinderella's curfew where in afterwards she'll lose all the magic prepared to her by her fairygod mother. I was with him, the guy I really admire. I was sitting beside the man of my dreams. I was sharing the moment with him. We talked about the electronic conversation exchange. We talked about what we felt, what we are feeling and what would possibly happen. And as the story goes, some sort of magic continued until two hearts met. (in my perception this is what probably happened)...

At first, it was fine. This dream guy stood by what he had promised, to be this poor little girl's personal property. He had time for her, which made the poor girl happy despite the struggles she's going through. This made the poor girl happy and inspired to once again face the world with courage. She then thought and told her self...life is truly beautiful. Magic was in the air. She can really feel it coming. Until suddenly that magic faded. For whatever reason the warmth shared became cold. She tried to please the prince but he was too bitter to feel the sweetness of life. It seemed he was never pleased. She was never seen nor felt. She felt he was numb to feel her presence after that cold night. Suddenly she lives without purpose and became tired of living that life. He's taken her for granted.

I am feeling so exhausted. I should've thought of these things a couple of times. A hundred or thousand or million maybe. I don't want this to end. I don't want this dream to end. A friend of mine once told me, hope is what keeps the pain. I am still hoping and trying to understand him. He has so many things to do. He has many responsibilities which is known to me before that cold morning. I should've anticipated these things. I need someone to confide things with. That's why I thought he would be the one. It had been better when we were friends, I can tell some things I had in mind. Even for a moment He's mine, he's a friend who listens to my melancholic chants...Now, he's mine as more than that friend, I am afraid I'll be adding my sorrows to his burden...

May be this is not yet my time to love. I want to hold on but it seems he 's not. I want to risk being hurt for me to love him but I am afraid I'll be hurt double or triple. I am so scared, I am hurting more and more. I need to stop seeing him...

Poet's diary

2005-01-30T07:26:00.000-08:00

As I sat in fronnt of that PC monitor while browsing the page of one of the important people in my life, I am convincing myself that this is just a dream. I was reading the testimonials made by those people who knew him before I had the chance to meet him. And what they said was...(I can't think of any word to explain what I felt)..amazing. Imagine, this guy whom they refer to as the genius, gentleman...etc has proposed to me one cold morning along agoncillo st. telling me that from that time on he is my personal property. Tell me, I am still dreaming...

Now I am beginning to understand why would i be afraid of commitment with him. The pressure. That pressure. and the reason is simply because he is oh so amazing. I can't hardly believe it. And I can't also help but worry and think that I am not worthy to take care of him. I am but an ordinary who just dreamt of being his friend. Yes, I admire him a lot. I dreamed of having him for the rest of my life. And so I secure that we'll be friends, nothing more. Just friends. Out of oblivion, he just texted me those words, then the denial, then the confirmation then now the submission...came possession. I am not a perfect person for a perfect guy. I am not a good person to have an amazing man. All I am is just someone who cares for him...I still can't believe it...I want to retire... I am not worthy...

And the poet continues to write lines...

2005-01-30T06:25:00.000-08:00

Akala ko tapos na yun. Hanggang dun lang. Pucha! may linya pa akong lollies that I never had... yun pala akin din ang bagsak. If you are reading my mind...yun na yun. para mas obvious, KAME na. Maya and that Nomad from the bat cave is ON A RELATIONSHIP. I hope it is serious. I won't state the details. Basta nangyari ang lahat sa ngalan ng COLT.

Eto na ang problema, secret ang relasyong ito. Hindi ko matandaan kung sino sa amin ang nagsabi pero ako, gusto kong ganun. Takot kasi akong sobra, biruin mo kumbaga, isang prinsipe na humaling sa isang katulong. as in ganun ang dating. Sabi nga nya "boss-secretary affair" ang datong namen. At bilang isang "sekretarya" gusto kong makaiwas sa panlalait ng mga katrabaho at iba pang boss. O sa pressure ng pagiging ka-rlasyon nya. Haaay! Sobrang hirap. Pakiramdam ko ako ay isang KABIT. Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na katabi mo na siya pero hindi mo mahawakan, mayakap o matitigan dahil kayong lang dalawa ang dapat maka-alam ng kung anong namamagitan sa inyo? Ouch! Magkatabi na nga lang kayo nag-uusap pa kayo sa text. At isa pang pangamba ko, lately, tahimik siya, di ko malaman kung anong tumatakbo sa isip nya. di ko tuloi alam kung ano na ba ang estado namin. mejo parang ala sa oras o timing pag gusto ko nang pag-usapan yung mga ganung bagay. Gayun pa man, dahil ako ay isang martir at di na natutong nagmamahal, naiintindihan ko siya. Mahal ko siya..wala na tayong dapat pag-usapan pa dun.

Punyeta! Kung maxadong perpekto lang sana ang mundo, ang saya ko na sana. Yung tipong walang inaalis kapag may madadagdag. Pakiramdam ko nasa akin na lahat sa panahon ngayon, kaya takot ako. Baka xe may ibawas siya dun.

Ayoko nang magmahal..pero eto ako nasasaktan...

Oo na!korny na kung korny!

TAMED

2005-01-25T18:36:00.000-08:00

Whisper to me,
those words
I long to hear.
It'll be a secret.
I promise,
just to you
and me.
For I am
afraid to
the pressure
those words
would do.

You seemed so
restless in your
comfort zone.
You hide and
stand strong
yet inside
you are weak.
You deny facts
for you think
so much of
the future
to be perfect.
But I tell you,
They are all created
imperfect
for us to play
god for some time
and make those
"perfect" in our eyes.

I knew it.
This won't go any far.
We both
suppress things
because we are
both afraid.
Even if it will
hurt us
more and
more,
I already assumed
we cannot be.
this feelings
need to be stopped.
Before I hurt my self again.
If what you said is
final,
then let's put this
poem to the end.
But honestly...
I still kept
writing
some more
lines...

Confessional

2005-01-25T17:55:00.000-08:00

Malinaw na ang lahat. It was a feeling that shouldn't be given a chance at all. It could be but not this time. This isn't the right time. I admit. I was a bit sad when I heard all his thoughts coming out of that electronic messages. That night when the darkness is kissing the sky goodbye as the light will soon arrive to catch her. I wish I was the sky. She'll be falling soon but the light is there to catch her. What could've been harder than this? He was saying all those things, his wants not to be given a chance. He ought to sacrifice everything for the price of achieving a hundred per cent of what he has. I wish I never felt it. I wish I was numb to experience all these. I wish I am not feeling this. It could be easier, maybe.

Finally, he confessed. It was him. It was really him. I don't know if I will be happy knowing he likes me. But it wasn't a price but a consolation of knowing that that feeling is true but cannot be felt at all. Yeah right! This thing called love or whatever you call it has put my head into a test again. And I felt so dumb. I'm starting to hate myself again. I' m beginning to hate everything in me that connects to that selfish plight. Grrr...please i need some redemption. Redeem me from this hurt. Some people just don't know what they're doing. And include my name on that list. Last night I was trying to reveal my feelings but putting a blurr picture out of it. I confess, what I'm feeling is starting to be more than LIKE. Like him, it is evolving into something else. But i'm just too scared to admit. I kept denying that feeling. Simply because I might be hurt again. Or the pressure that thing could create inside that room, the pressure from the past, the surroundings and to wherever it takes. I'm afraid of being measured or compared to what he had before. I might not meet that standard. But given a chance, I want the feeling that i am feeling for him. I want to comfort him when he's down like the wind would do. I want to share my moments with him by which I can see his smile that has been corrupted by his so-called thankless job. I want to be to where he'll be. I hate to see him lament from that former love which he long suffered. I want to tame his restless soul. I want to sympathize to whatever he feels. But... I can't. It would never happen. All I have to do is to be one of his plain staff, listen while he puffs those leafy cure, stay if I was asked to and as a consolation I can stare at him for hours if he had sat in front of me.

Why does this have to be this hard? I'm tired of mind games, I'm tired of searching. I need some comfort, I need some space to feel happy. Why can't I just have that right love at the right person. I guess to end this, I would have to put things back to as if nothing had happened. I know it's hard but I wouldn't be prex if I can't do it. Let's just say that HE is my favorite lolly that I never had.

HIDE

2005-01-22T06:26:00.000-08:00

I never thought
I'll find you.
It happened,
unplanned,
unexpected.
It just happened.

I didn't expect
I'll be near you.
my momments,
memories
and everything
that lights my face
I shared them with you
for quite some time.

I never felt
this happiness before.
The reason why
O should be merry
and live this life
to the fullest.
It was when you shared
your thoughts.
I realized,
life is worth living.

I tried to fight
what i'm feeling.
What i'm enjoying
when i'm with you.
I just have to fight it,
because i want to be
like this forever
with you.

This isn't working.
I need to stop seeing you.
It won't help me
nor comfort me.
I'm afraid i'll be like
them, whom you played
games with.
I need some space
to hide.

anak ng leche

2005-01-22T06:03:00.000-08:00

ok. so eto nanaman ako. di na talaga ako nadala. Meron xe kong gustong-gusto na guy. I consider him my "dream guy". as in. He has everything that I want in a guy. But knowing he's not overcome his former love yet, i tried to fight my feelings for him, not to fall for him. So i did. I tried to deny that I like him so much. Sabi ko nga, kung may ipapalit ako sa dati kong kinahumalingan, siya na yun. Di ko maamin na gusto ko siya. Natakot ako sa sinabi nya, he doesn't like girls who drool for him. Turn off daw sa kanya. Until one night, i asked for his help. He helped me naman, pero at the end of our electronic conversation, he suddenly texted me something like...nasabi ko na ba sy0ng i like u a lot? Really i do. Nagulat ako, nailang, kinilig habang napapawi ito nalulungkot ako. xe baka pinapasakay lang ako, joke ito o kung ano mang bad news. resulta: nailang ako sa kanya. Sinabi ko naiilang ako pero iniwasan kong pag-usapan namin un. natatakot na xe ko ayoko nang umiyak. kilala ko siya. I've been with him one night taz may ka-text ciang gurl taz sinabihan nya ng I-love-you taz di naman nya talaga mean na ganun. I felt bad for the gurl. NAtatakot ako, baka ganun din ung kaso ko. taz nung pinag-usapan namin un. he denied na cia ung nagtext nun. haaay! sana nga naniniwala ako xe kasunod nung text nya un eh, sawk.taz ala una ng madaling araw. i feel bad. kasi di na mababalik ung closeness namen dati. parang ayoko na ciang makita kapag naiisip ko na parang pinag-tripan nya ko. na dapat hindi nya ginawa. taz parang lahat na lang yata ng lalaki manloloko. cia na nga ung sa tingin ko matino and perfect guy (for the record, di ako umasa kahit kelan xe naniniwala akong mas magtatagal ang magkaibigan, pero sino bang ayaw na more than?) to fell in love with. Really, I feel very sad. Strike nanaman ako. Ang sama nya...

plano kong: mag lie low sa org na un, for this feb. Iiwasan ko nang magtatambay dun. Next week, kukunin ko lang ung naiwan kong cd's di na ko maxadong papasyal dun. Wag muna ngayon. kanina nag-usap kame pero di tungkol dun, iba. Ayun. Self denial ito. Isang matinding kaso ng self denial ang nangyayari...haaay! pde bang i-reset ang oras at araw?

Paano kapag hindi na bilog ang buwan?

2005-01-09T02:31:00.000-08:00

Bilog ang buwan ngayon.
At ngayon lang din
tayo muling nagkita,
magkasama,
magkapiling.

Pero kapag hindi na
bilog ang buwan.
Nawawala ka!
Kasama ng mga tala,
kasabay ng mga bula
sa labada ni Neneng,
Kasing tagal ng
muling pag bilog ng buwan.

Sa akin ka lang
kapag Bilog ang Buwan.
Dito ka tumatambay,
kapag Bilog ang Buwan.
Sa kandungan ko
ikaw ay nananahan.
Sa piling ko
ikaw ay nangangalunya.
Sa tabi ko
para kang isang bata,
walang lakas, mahina.

Naisip ko tuloy,
Paano kapag hindi na
Bilog ang Buwan?
Nasaan ka kaya?
Ano kaya ang ginagawa mo?
Katulad ka kaya ng ano?
Paano ka na nga kapag
hindi na Bilog ang Buwan?

Nag-aalala ako kapag
hindi na Bilog ang Buwan.
Mag-isa na lamang ako
habang hindi ko alam
kung paano ka sa mga panahong iyon.
Dito lamang ako
habang nawawala ka.
Nangangamba ako,
dahil kapag Bilog lamang ang Buwan
may pag-ibig.

Libog Tibag

2005-01-09T02:18:00.000-08:00

Bakit di mo pwedeng sabihin?
Bakit bawal bigkasin?
Bakit nakakahiyang aminin
Na gusto mo?

Dahil ba...
Isa kang babae?
Maria Clarang nahulog sa tae?
Annie Batumbakal na lumambot?
Neneng dating pakipot?

Dahil ba...
ayaw ng lipunan?
malaswa ayon sa kultura?
hiya sa sarili kasi babae ka?

Shhh...
Shhh...
Shhh...
Shhh...

May mga bagay nga palang
hindi "dapat" pag-usapan...

My Colorful lipstick

2005-01-09T02:01:00.000-08:00

I put this thing
on my lips everyday,
to color my labia
and ooze my charms on.

I put this thing
on my lips everyday,
so that the words
that will come out
from the inside
will sound sweet.
Pleasing to your ears.
In favor of your ego.
In line with your mood.

I put this thing
on my lips everyday,
so that my smile
will be noticed.
In return,
you will care to listen
as I speak my mind.
You may dare to interpret
my resolutions.
You may take my opinions
into actions.

I put this thing
on my lips everyday,
to hide the scars
my tongue creates.
The tactlessness it does.
Or the senselessness it tastes.
Even the sharpness it stabs.

But this thing I put on
will soon perish.
It won't be here to stay.
It's just superficial.
It's just a decoration.
All of these are just my illusions,
because no matter how I put it,
or what color it shades my lips,
it's not the lipstick
that makes the difference.

Te Deum

2005-01-09T01:32:00.000-08:00

Amidst this road I take,
in the oppression I receive
from these false lords
I serve my days to,
from these korns
I harvest on a hard day's work,
from these agony
I mourn for my family,
for my children
and their uncertain future,
and from my helplessness
that they've molded me
for I am but an ordinary...
I belive in you.

To You I submit
my self and all
that defines my being.
To You I submit everything
that happens till I repel.
To You I submit
my life,
only for You.

And to you,
I beg;
Take me to the place
where I'll be free.
In Your world, perhaps.
Or in Your loving arms maybe.
Just take me...
to where I'll be free,
Free from everything
that oppresses me.
In to your comfort,
I pray to thee.

* alay sa mga manggagawa sa Hacienda Luisita...

Sad tripping

2005-01-09T01:15:00.000-08:00

Ok.So eto nanaman ang alang kakwenta-kwentang post...

hmmm..hindi ko na nga siguro alam ang nangyayari sa paligid ko. Kahapon ay isang di magandang pangyayari. Napag-isipisip ko na wala akong natapos. Frustating..sobra. Hindi ko ma-explain. Pero masasabi kong nag-iimprove na ang aking pagiging patient. Hindi na ako buwisit na apektado na sa prob (yehey...clap!clap!). Kaya ko nang dalhin...at least. konting praktis pa at ma-peperfect ko na ang pagsuot ng maskara. Haaay!

Ayun, di naman lahat nang nangyari kahapon eh sad trip. Nakita ko ang crushie ko since second year ko sa Nursing! Waaaaah! ang partner ko sa ARNIS na imbis na ako ang turuan ako ang nagtuturo. (take note: nagpapaturo talaga siya sa akin, at kinuha nya akong partner...*kilig mode) Papunta ko ng newsroom nang lumabas siya sa elevator wearing all whit uniform. Pucha! Cutie talaga with soooper habang smile na sobra over to the highest level na cute (obvious bang kinilig ako?). taz un..binati nya ko...Haaay! pde na akong mag-disappear na parang bula matapos nun...

Isa pa. Yung kras ko sa newsroom nakita ko ule. Mejo di lang maxadong maganda mood nya. hmmm..pero pde na.waaaah! baka ma-diskubre nila itong blog ko!!!!heheheh!

Kanina nag-jogging kame ng mga ka-dorm ko sa baywalk sabay aerobics. Di nga lang ako maxadong nasiyahan dahil hindi ako pinagpawisan ever dahil baka mapunit ang tahi ko...

At ngayon, hinihintay ko ang ermatz ko...at the same time ay naghahandang saluhin ang sermon at alam na ni Lord un. haaay!

Good luck sa akin for my exam sa Mon and Tues.

Para sa nag-offline msg sa kin sa yahooo dahil sa reaksyon nya sa post ko...hehehehe!ganun na nga!

LEche na kung sa leche

2005-01-07T01:03:00.000-08:00

hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko...

ok, so eto nanaman ang walang kwenta kong salaysay...siguro nga maxado akong masungit sa sarili ko. Lahat ng oras ko nilagyan ko ng nakatakdang gagawin. Ayokong ma-blangko ng kahit isang sigundo. At kung mangyari yun...totoma na lang ako. Paano ba naman kasi, kapag nasaktohan ko ang idleness ko, ikaw nanaman ang naiisip ko. Utang na loob! alam kong moved on na ako. P%$%#%^! bakit ba ang lakas ng punyetang impluwensya mo sa magulo kong utak? Lalo mo pang pina-cocomplikado! T%#%#!talaga! Ayoko na nga sanang isipin ka pa. pucha! pero takbo ka pa rin ng takbo sa malikot ko utak. Hindi ka ba titigil? punyetang cardia, pagod na.Tachycardiac na ko. Ayokong magbigay daan sa isang relasyong alam kong mali. Pero kahit saan ko daanin, doon ako bumabagsak. Ayoko namang tumingin sa iba, dahil baka kagaya ka rin nila. Hanggang dun lang, taz wala na. EWAN! Gusto ko nang kumuwala pero nandyan pa rin ang punyetang **** (name ng sigarilyo) na nagpapatagal ng pasakit na ito. Wala na akong matinong maisulat. Para kang isang VIRUS!ang hirap mong gamutin. ANg daming strains at nag-mumutate na parang ayaw umaliz...para kang Carcinoma sa cardia. T#$%@! ayoko namang magpa-chemo dahil baka matuluyan ako. Dilemma talaga ito. Isang mabigat na katangahan na patuloy na lumalamon ng buo kong oras sa araw-araw. Pero hahayaan ko ba ito? SIYEMPRE hindi! T3$#@$! KAya nga kulang na lang pati sa pagtae ko ay may ginagawa ako.para lang hindi mabakante ang punyeta kong utak na walang ibang iniisip kundi ikaw. Leche na kung leche...

para sa'yo ito...

2004-12-30T01:54:00.000-08:00

alam ko ...
hindi mo man sabihin,
alam ko ang pahiwatig mo.

pagod ka lang,
alam ko.
pahinga ka lang.

pero wag kang,
bibitiw.
dahil ito ay mali.

dito ka nabubuhay,
humihinga,
lumiligaya.

isang kalokohan
ang ito'y lisanin.
sayang...

hindi totoong walang
tutunguhin,
itong laban naten.

ang totoo,
malapit
na tayo doon.

hintay ka lang
kaibigan,
kapit ka lang.

Wag kang
BIBITIW,
pahinga ka lang.

At pag ok
ka na,
pa-akyat na tayo...

kikinang na
ang iyong tala.

para ito sa'yo...kung nababasa mo man ito. para ito sa'yo. Ang paglisan mo'y, paglisan ko rin. Ang lungkot at pagod mo'y gayun din sa akin. wag kang sumuko, hindi ito ang sagot sa pagka-manhid. para sa'yo ito, kung makikinig ka man. Hindi ito ang panahon para magpahinga, wala pa tayo sa kalahati kasama. Tiis lang, pa-api ka muna sa kamanhidan. Akala mo lang hindi, pero masaya ka dito. Dahil ito ang iyong hangin, dito ka humihinga...kung minsan ay nalulunod ka lang, kaya ayaw mo na...

the break up song

2004-12-30T01:32:00.000-08:00

So where do we go from here?
I told you I don't want to be here in the first place.
I only wanted to comfort you.
I only wanted to be your friend.
But you insisted we must be more than that.
I gave in, knowing it will be better off that way.
I stand by you.
Gave you everything,
including my world
and all that lies beneath.
I struggled in this antithesis.
You plus me, i thought would be enough.
Yes, it was.
It was enough to destroy me.
Demented I am.
Wounded as I fall.

Don't give me that look,
as if it was to pity me.
Don't give me this hope,
now that i'm hurting.
Pain is my melody,
sang by this cardia.
Longing is what kills me
more and more.
Don't talk to me as if
you dn't care.
Don't act as if nothing started.
No, not like that.

Still Not Wanting

2004-12-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

If I could touch your heart tonight,

I would like to count its every beat.
I will try to feel the pulse it pursues.
Then I retire.
It's not me after all.

If I could stare at your eyes right now,
It'll be like looking at the stars.
Amidst this dark sky I'm into, light.
Then I retire.
It had been hope after all.

If I could hold your hands today,
I'll be caressing your tired digits.
Those which molded my soul, life.
Then I retire.
It had been my days.

If I could be in your arms tomorrow,
It will be heaven, utopia it is.
The destination I've long waited.
Then I retire.
It had been an experience.